There’s nothing more maddening than being in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction, especially in an intimate relationship. It’s uniquely difficult compared to being a parent or child of an alcoholic, particularly when children are involved. Such relationships can make you feel like you’re on a runaway train, robbing you of your sanity and making you feel crazy. After 20 years of working with families and codependency issues, I’ve seen everything, and my life’s work is dedicated to helping people in these situations figure out whether to stay or leave and how to cope with their circumstances. As a spouse, it’s easy to think that if the addict just gets sober, everything will get better. But there’s more going on within the family dynamic. Codependency becomes a misunderstood coping mechanism, one that affects not only the addict but also everyone around them. In this video, I’ll help you identify your own codependent coping patterns, such as withholding, clinging, or fixing so that you can reclaim your authentic self. Withholding, for example, is when you hold back your true feelings because you’re walking on eggshells around the addict. Codependency is often accompanied by a variety of other behaviors such as controlling or enabling, and over time, these coping mechanisms can consume you. If you’re wondering how you got here or why you’re acting in ways you never thought you would, it’s important to remember that codependency is a natural response to being in a chaotic environment. This dynamic makes you lose yourself and behave in ways that feel foreign and unwanted. Through recognizing your codependent patterns and understanding their impact, you can start to reclaim your power and take steps toward healing. Whether through self-study courses or direct guidance, I am here to support you in this journey. One coping strategy is withholding, where you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, fearing how the addict might react or use that information against you. This also happens in relationships with narcissists, as addiction often mirrors narcissistic behaviors. The next pattern is clinging, where you constantly need to be with the person, fearing that if you leave, something bad will happen. For instance, you might avoid trips with friends or refuse to leave the house to prevent disaster. This often turns into controlling behavior, where you try to monitor everything the addict does, even going so far as to check phone records or install cameras to track their movements. The fixer pattern is another common coping mechanism, where you become the person who always fixes everything, running behind the addict to clean up their messes. This pattern often originates in childhood, particularly in households with alcoholic parents. People who fall into the fixer pattern believe that if they aren’t there to save the day, everything will fall apart. These patterns, such as fixing and controlling, can coexist and overlap, further entangling the individual in the addict's behavior. There are also other coping mechanisms, like pleasing, where you believe that by being more loving or accommodating, you can prevent the addict from using. This often leads to self-betrayal, where you engage in behaviors you don’t want to in an attempt to stop the addiction. Pleasers might also become enablers, going so far as to participate in the addict’s behavior, such as drinking with them, to feel in control or to avoid conflict. Another pattern is perfectionism, where you or a child in the household believes that by being perfect, they can prevent further problems. This often leads to high standards for oneself and others, accompanied by feelings of judgment. Pretenders, on the other hand, act as though everything is fine, sweeping the problems under the rug and trying to maintain appearances for the outside world. This can cause further harm, as children in the household may grow up feeling confused and unsupported, not knowing what’s real. All these patterns serve as coping mechanisms for the chaos created by addiction, and they can lead to significant emotional and psychological damage over time. The key to healing is recognizing these patterns, reclaiming your authentic self, and finding ways to break free from the cycle of codependency. It's not your fault, and these patterns are natural responses to dysfunction. However, once you recognize them, you can begin to take back your personal power, make strategic decisions, and live the life you deserve. If you need further help, there are resources, including one-on-one coaching and self-study courses, that can guide you through the process of recovery.